Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Hero horse inspires millions
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?