SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
being a writer on Twitter:
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf