My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?