If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
You Might Also Like
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Social Media and Real life
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Ha
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m about to risk it all