Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.