Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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Clients after you give them your rates
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?