[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle