I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.