going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
😩😩😩
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
why count sheep when I can count my troubles