Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
smh
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
thinking about a very short hotdog