[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.