[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.