[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.