I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.