[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?