Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭