Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes