Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.