I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Home #decor warning.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.