I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.