*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
This is me 🤣🤣