Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.