Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
can’t wait til they legalize outside
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good