Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
No Google it does not
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.