10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
You Might Also Like
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.