*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Oh we’ve met.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.