NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?