“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
this article brought to you by lions
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no