Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.