Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
You Might Also Like
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked