– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend