You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
This is hilarious….
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.