Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
You Might Also Like
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.