I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
You Might Also Like
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Mood.. 😂
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself