Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
You Might Also Like
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou