It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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🤣dope
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Friends that check up on you >
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*