Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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The days of good grammer has went
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars