I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there