If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
real
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know