The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS