My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.