me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
You Might Also Like
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
This is not me but this is me
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.