Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
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The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.