DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Do not steal food from the science building!
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.