Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.