The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
You Might Also Like
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.