Tammy is short for Tamuel
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Based Erika
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.