Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
tinder is all about the long game
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.