I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Traveler’s camo
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that