very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
You Might Also Like
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY